In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those
forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the
Palmolive!)

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from
swallowing a little toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids....
Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)

 

This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night
to find her house on fire.


Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams
"My house is on fire, you've got to come put it out".

"Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?"
and she says;


"Duuuh, in the big red truck!"

 

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

A blond was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are 
a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. 
People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are 
going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing.

She pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which 
said,

"Depress button for ice." 

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured
princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The
frog happened into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a
handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy to do so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so!!"

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the
Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing is even moving." 

He notices a police officer walking between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hillary wants to leave him that he stopped his motorcade and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he
owes his lawyers for that whole Monica thing. So I'm walking around
taking up a collection for him".

"Well, that's nice. How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about forty gallons --- but there's a lot of folks
still siphoning."

A couple drove several miles down a country
road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument,
and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs,
the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of
yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

A college student wrote a letter home,

"Dear folks,
I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I
feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred,
but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that
you forgive me.

Your son, Marvin.

P.S.  I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this
up in the box at the corner.  I wanted to take this letter and
burn it. I prayed that I could get it  back.  But it was too late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,
"Your prayers were answered.  Your letter never came!"

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into
the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked
and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," she replied.  "I'm nauseous from sitting backward
on the train."

"Poor dear," he said.  "Why didn't you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

Little Timmy was in the garden filling
in a hole when his neighbor peered over
the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-
faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy
tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an
awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't
it?" Little Timmy patted down the last
heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your cat."

How to Bathe a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards
the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the
edge, as its paws will be reaching out to grab anything
they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample
suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet,
the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly
lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where it will dry itself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

Actual Newspaper Headlines...

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Stud Tires Out
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
11. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13. Eye Drops off Shelf
14. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
18. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
24. War Dims Hope for Peace
25. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
26. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 REASONS MEN ARE SO COOL
 
1.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3.  You can open all your own jars.
4.  Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
5.  You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
6.  You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
7.  You can leave the motel bed unmade.
8.  You can kill your own food.
9.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of
      thoughtfulness.
10.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
11.  If someone forgets to invite you to something,
he or she can still be your friend.
12.  Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
13.  If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
14.  Everything on your face stays its original color.
15.  You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
       passenger's seat.
16.  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
17.  You don't have to clean your apartment if the
       meter reader is coming.
18.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
19.  You can quietly watch a game with your buddy
      for hours without ever thinking "He must be
      mad at me."
20.  Same work .  .  .  more pay.
21.  Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
22.  Wedding dress - $2,000.  Tuxedo Rental - 75 bucks.
23.  You don't mooch off other's desserts.
24.  You can drop by to see a friend without having
       to bring a little gift.
25.  If another guy shows up at the party in the same
       outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
26.  Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. 
       "So, notice anything different?"
27.  You are not expected to know the names of more
       than five colors.
28.  You don't have to stop and think of which way
       to turn a nut on a bolt.
29.  You almost never have strap problems in public.
30.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
31.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32.  You don't have to shave below your neck.
33.  At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
34.  You belly usually hides your big hips.
35.  One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color,
       all seasons.
36.  You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
37.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing
       a mustache.
38.  Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25
       relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

A wife awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing
from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard
sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her
husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him
so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father
threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight." 

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the
pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from
the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?"  asked
the Governor gently.

"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's
wife.

"Is he a good husband?"

"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when
he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and
really not much good at all."

"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said
the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"

"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary
home after she had a little too much to drink at
a party. Although nothing happened, he decided
not to mention it to his wife.

Later that night, the man and his wife were
driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled
shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to
something out the passenger window to distract
his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it
out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later
and were about to get out of the car when his
wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"